It began Saturday February 26, 2022
While the world has to deal with many crises my mother’s stroke is a world changing event for our family. At ninety-three, soon to be ninety-four, change was anticipated. Gertrude was a woman who fought change all her life, but one moment dealt a knockout blow. It did change everything. It is almost impossible to keep up with all who knew her in updates. I am creating this page to log the chronology and the progress. There is progress, but it is slow. Doctors keep saying, she is ninety-three. Yes, of course she is, but she is my mother. A woman who on the afternoon of her stroke drove uptown (admittedly the term town is somewhat of an exaggeration) to pick up her mail, then to the church to leave the cookies she had baked for the monthly fellowship Sunday. Doing her part to make sure the hall was ready. After my call at five went unanswered, and at 5:15, and at 5:35, and finally at 5:50, I called our family friends, neighbors, special people, to check. They found Mom lying on the floor a ‘corelle’ bowl shattered in thousands of pieces amongst the scattered popcorn. A massive stroke had felled her; the debilitating effects leaving her unable to press the ‘life alert’ button.
A new path begins.
Our healthcare system needs reform. I do not want to say any individual should have done this or chosen a different treatment. I am not a doctor, I am not second guessing decisions. Covid seems to have broken a strained system of medical care.
I was in Maysville Kentucky seven hours away. Our friends called the ambulance in Roseville. They would not come without the street address. Drive to Smithshire (west six miles of nothing then turn right at sign for four more miles of nothing) it is first house on left, it is brick, not good enough. Smithshire is in google map. They pressed life alert. The ambulance came, but would only go to closest facility, not the one most in region use. It would have been another ten to fifteen minutes.
February 26th
Pray for my mother tonight — I will update everyone tomorrow.
February 27th 5:12 AM
French Quarter Inn Maysville Kentucky
Mom had a stroke affecting her right side – details of that I do not know. She has difficulty with some words. She is in OSF Peoria — Currently tests are still being conducted. Thanks to Edwards’, Erik, Alex, Joni, and Laura, who was at home handling two boys and a dog.
I am on my way back. Will update on treatment and recovery. None of that known now. She is stable and should recover. Thank you for all the prayers – as Erik and Alex say there are no prayers stronger than Grandma prayers.
At hospital
February 28th 12:59 AM
A Son’s Final Duty
I am sitting in a hospital room beside my mother. I called her Mom, my Mom. She is 93 and has been active and spry for her age. Yesterday she had a stroke. I am informed it is a massive brain bleed causing impairment on her right side. She has shown some improvement. One thing is certain she will not be back as she was yesterday morning. The woman still insisting there was no need to move her washer and dryer out of the basement last week, may not be able to use one even on the main floor. It is all uncertain.
When my father’s leukemia ran wild and out of control twelve years ago, I promised I would take care of my Mom. The most difficult part of keeping my promise was, Mom was having none of it. The recommended safety changes were met with firm “Nos.” Her reasoning sometimes simply, change was wrong. I don’t believe I am standing guard as life’s last breath departs her. What I am doing is trying to encourage, comfort, and assure. She will improve but to what degree?
I am seeing the end of the woman still walking, taking steps, driving in our rural area, still sure of her firm convictions. A new phase of life will begin. Beulah Gertrude Davis will never again be my Mom, as I have always known her. She is a true Methodist never had a drink, never gambled, never smoked, and never swore. She did not need profanity to express her disapproval. She never wished anyone ill; she wished people would behave better. My Mom always celebrated people’s joys, she never celebrated any one’s failings. She didn’t like the name Beulah and went by Gertrude. She shared that name with a favorite aunt. In 1928 maybe the names were in the top one hundred.
I will not have to argue for a walk-in tub, a stackable washer and dryer, a new water treatment system. It seems likely the decisions will be mine. Many of those choices now are made moot. I do not know how much independence she will ever recover. I will miss my Mom, she was quite a lady. I have never known anyone like her. She may have helped develop some of my own eccentricities, but I acquired many on my own accord. She gave me a value system few have today. Never push to be first, always consider how someone else will feel, to be strictly honest, and care for and value material things. Never seek them, never waste them, never monetize them, but use material things when there is a need. My Mom is very much an anachronism. The modern world would be better if it adopted some of her values, not all of them.
March 3 7:08 PM
Mom update she is gaining some speech. Remains in OSF may still have a gastric tube added. Sleeping better has always recognized people but can’t form sentences just first words.
March 5 8:03 PM
The good news for my Mom today is she ate more than any previous day. She seemed to enjoy the pureed mac cheese ham thing. If she could continue tomorrow we may not need a gastric feeding tube. She had eaten nothing for the first few days and seemed uninterested. Maybe it was the James video message he sent today Grandma Gertrude did have a huge smile as she watched this
March 6th 7:56 PM
Mom has missed church two Sundays in a row which has not happened often. She is eating but will still have gastric tube put in tomorrow. The doctor told me he and the team highly recommended it — I will agree. I am not a doctor. Mom did eat a cup of chocolate pudding tonight and has eaten some things during the day. Do not know what time Monday but I am sure it will be a tough day for her. We are all grateful for your concerns and prayers.
March 7th 8:17 AM
I find a hard part of this experience with Mom is the uncertainty. The staff are wonderful, but when things are happening always vague. Also It is a large place with many departments that seem not to coordinate. If there is a team coordinating her care and prognosis I don’t always feel like I’m a part of it.
March 8th 2:35 AM
Today’s challenge, in addition to finding my pickup in the parking ramp after Nancy takes over this afternoon, will for Mom be bowel activity. This can be gurgles I am told. My tourettes of the tummy have always been embarrassing. The embarrassing, not to be talked about things, seem to be a large portion of hospital discussions. They may even talk about Bruno, who knows?
Mom’s PEG tube placement went well. She can still eat normally; this is a gastric placement. She will have adequate nutrition now. She has had a comfortable and stable night. It is 2 AM, I suppose by my normal it is still nighttime. She seems to know herself and can interact about people in the present or acknowledge past events. If she tries to formulate a complex sentence, she losses the words. Her speech and interaction are improving. If she is tired, it is more difficult. Mom is not the Gertrude of the past few years. I picked up mail in Smithshire. I updated Jeff Hilten and the postmaster about her condition. Jeff said, your Mom has looked the same forever. I would agree she appeared almost the same for the last decade or so.
She has little feeling or control of her right side, arm, and leg. She has trouble turning her head to look to her right. Recovery will be discovering where we can go from here. I suspect we will be going to a skilled nursing care facility on Wednesday or Thursday. As Gopher in the animated Winnie the Pooh said, “I’m not in the book you know.” I’m not completely in the loop you know. James has had me re-watching those TV specials. Thinking of James and Luke there are many poop discussions when dealing with babies and small children. Possibly heaven is the experience of joy without poop.
Mom at Erik and Laura’s wedding in 2016
March 9th 4:27 AM
There was a songwriter Hank Cochran who wrote “Make the World Go Away.” You can likely hear and sing the next line, ”and get it off my shoulders.” Most old folks remember Eddy Arnold, and it is his version I am most familiar with. I suppose we all have moments when we identify with this thought. I am usually more of, if you hike your butt out on a trail then you have to hike your butt back, type of person. I can’t help but feel if we as a nation sought solution rather partisan advantage, we might have a medical system that worked. This team thing at the hospital is run more like the Ted Lasso episode where Nathan is locked in the luggage compartment of the bus.
Now that the team highly recommends the gastric insertion for nutrition, my Mom having one, prevents her from getting a placement in a skilled care facility. It does make the term skilled care an oxymoron. No one invited me to the meeting where we discussed the risk of choking on the food she was eating, and not choking on, versus the nutrient pump. More importantly none of the team explained, because they didn’t know and didn’t care, what path was next. I have been by my mother’s side watching them do the tests. I know how much damage there is to her right side. I can see she is not regaining use of her right leg and arm. I also see the gains in her face, the improvement in her speech. The doctors do not understand how confusing it would be for my mother if she was asked the questions after being awoken, even if she hadn’t had the stroke.
Yes, my mother is 93. She will be 94 in April. My mother-in-law Winifred will be 100 tomorrow. People get old. Aaron Rodgers is old at 37, because he is an NFL QB. Rodgers team didn’t get him to the ten-yard line, then walk off the field and say OK we’re done. You can figure out how to get past the other eleven guys on your own. Dr. Daniel (first name) came in yesterday and says I have talked to you before. I have been there the entire time. He has never talked to me in person before. He called to say the team highly recommends the tube insertion, as I was driving to meet my brother, who is now in the hospital in Galesburg. He is telling me my mother is 93. I am thinking you are at least thirty years younger than me, but I could pick you up and throw you into that wall. Age is not the only determinate.
So hey, OSF neurology team, this is what I want. I am aware of my mother’s serious condition. She is not dead, and she is not dying, at least today. She does enjoy videos of the great grandson, the visits of her friends and family. Maybe, instead of the procedure on Monday we could have discussed the dangers of continuing the puree food and water compared to now having no care available. Even in a wheelchair being able to interact with her loving friends and family is a quality of life. How do we best get to that?
Our medical system is all I do my thing. No one considers or coordinates the whole care of the patient. No one acknowledges that my mother is a person still contributing even in her limited way. I am not for extending life when it is simply mechanically maintained. The team has taken things apart and are now leaving the pieces strewn around, saying OK our day is done.
Covid has ripped the scab off the scar. Our healthcare system needs a complete overhaul. Unfortunately, this leaves my mother without a plan, or a place, or a functioning team. I could partisan up and just blame Joe Biden. Many blame Aaron Rodgers because he didn’t win in the playoffs. Rodgers didn’t tackle the 49ers runner in 2020, or cover the pass Tom Brady threw before halftime in 2021. I understand what makes a team work, it requires commitment from the beginning, through the operation, and to a conclusion. I think we should acknowledge our medical care system doesn’t work. We should say you better start scrambling now because you are going to get sacked.
March 9th 10:02 PM
I went to Smithshire today and then Roseville – I have to pay some of her bills and other stuff such as that. Mom thought it was awful but they made her sit in a chair today. She is getting nutrients We have a few days to solve the placement problems. Alex who was with her tonight said she was able to say his name. It was understandable if a little garbled.
March 10 5:48 AM
March 10 8:22 AM
I’ve come over to hospital, but I do need to go back to Smithshire today — Mom tracked the doctors finger with her eyes over to the right today — first time. We are making slow steps of progress I bet lunch at the County Line Diner would be better than another day at the hospital cafeteria — I will have to see if I can make it happen
March 10 7:08 PM
Moving tomorrow will have to pack
I came home last night, even though it was snowing. I have slept over eight hours. Mom was asleep after our family Zoom meeting which I had taken in the cafeteria. I looked at Mom, looked at the chair. The thought of the unwinding of the kinks in the morning, the beeps, the interactions with nurses and such, made home seem the place. How bad could the roads be? They were potentially very bad because it seemed icy conditions could form on the road surface at any time. Our family Zoom meeting decided some things. Mom was asleep and she has been sleeping through the night.
I made my mother laugh twice last night. First time by telling her about the school kids coming and singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to Winifred (video on A Better Elmwood on Facebook). It amused her they had found trivia from 1922 to report, such as the creation of the Soviet Union.
We are moving to Monmouth. Stronghurst accepted today, but I did not know this morning. I had already gotten family on board with Monmouth. I want to get Mom as close to home as possible. I want her to see familiar places and faces, she seems to respond to that. I made a decision somewhat in opposition to my family. They wanted her in Chillicothe closer to them, but Mom would feel isolated in Chillicothe. My sons have jobs, spouses, children (one simply in the making), and pets. They cannot give the time they have. My wife has her mother. Lynne and George will not stay forever. They have upped Winifred’s health improvements to the max. Nancy needs to have time with her sister. These life moments are all finite.
I will be the vagrant traveling every day. I have much to do in Smithshire and I will be staying there some days. I find the advice about watching her care facility residence disturbing. I know it is well meaning and informed. You have to watch them like a hawk, is often the advice. What sad commentary on our healthcare system. Doctors do not inform nurses or family of procedures at the hospital. Are we trying to get my mom to eat or is food banned? If they insert a feeding tube, will she have a placement? She has to have a next step, but medical decisions seem to be ignoring past and future. We only do our thing. Consequences well we don’t have any that affect us. Honestly, I have met great people, but the system is broken. The wail we can’t have socialism has paralyzed us. (likely more paralyzed than my mother) The loud screams about a government takeover preventing reforms, while all the decisions are made based on Medicare policies.
All things formed in the crush of time. A different decision possible, but not informed in time, at the time, before the time, and now it is past the time. I have much to do in Smithshire and will be staying there on many nights. I wonder if my snoring will still wake Nancy. Yes, very small progress but progress. I told my family it will be a long road, but if we could get Mom stable enough in wheelchair mobility, I would like to get back in her home just for a visit. An opportunity to see it still exists. Erik and Alex are strong; we could surmount the step obstacle for a short visit. I want to reach out in gratitude for all of you who have prayed, shown concern, and lifted us up. I am very humbled by your warmth and generosity.
March 11 4:44 PM
OSF cafeteria tips – cannot go wrong with yogurt and milk when in stock. Breakfast sandwich croissants not bad would choose ham. Chicken pot pie soup, good can be confused with mashed potatoes. Mashed potatoes good with chicken gravy with some pepper, otherwise no. Chicken salad on cranberry bread good. Starbucks Nitro low calories a lot of pick me up caffeine. Little apple pie bites good only pastry I tried. Plastic silverware when you first walk in. Internet connection good enough for Zoom meeting, only in quiet times like after midnight Directions follow the signs know your zones, if you end up on Twilight Zone call me I will write your story
March 12 7:07 AM
My Mom is in Monmouth Nursing Home and I am headed back to see how things are going.
March 14th 6:55 AM
I have to meet with administration side of Monmouth Nursing Home today — If you come visit, my mother recognizes people she knows. She will not be able to speak in sentences, a few words. She cannot sit on her own. It will be a shock. Gertrude is not the active woman she was. I do think visits are good, but I wanted friends to be prepared. I am bringing back Smithshire Prayer Blanket I had to wash it. She does not want to be without it.
March 14th 7:59 PM
I am back from Monmouth – this is the address Monmouth Nursing Home – 117 South I Street, Room 64 – Monmouth IL 61462 Visitors have to have temperature taken fill out statements of Covid questions. Everyone must enter the door on H Street. Therapy is beginning we will see if Gertrude can make any improvements. She is more wanting to be left alone than to improve. I have initialed and signed stuff. Business of prolonged strain is underway.
March 15th 1:49 PM
I am in room with Mom. They got her up in a lift to sit in a chair today. Woman who came into feed her said this morning she was answering her Yes and No questions. After coming back she has slept activity exhausts her. Room is small but I was able to make it a private room the other bed will leave. The people coming in need the space and certainly visitors will. A roommate would be untenable in her condition. She might get someone like me who would yammer on like a physicked woodpecker. Monmouth Nursing Home official address is on South I Street but entrance is on South H Street.
March 16th 3:04 AM
I am awake. I went to bed early, but am awake now. The past couple of nights I have slept in exhaustion for nearly eight hours. Possibly more if counting the dozing off on the couch before deciding I should just go to bed. Time change always causes the unmoored feeling. Possibly people’s whining has changed Congress and legislation will pass. Congress cannot save us from the existential climate threat, because money buys legislators, but maybe can end the entire fall back, spring forward thing. I sat with Mom for five hours yesterday. She was exhausted from being lifted into a chair. I did sing a few hymns as she slept, but she barely knew I was there. There is much to do but I am in a fortunate situation, considering all lives have disasters, and I have great support.
We are keeping Reggie dog. If I am up at 3 AM, it must be a fantastic time for a walk. Nearly full moon, mild temps, it was a great time for a walk. No cars, no people, no other dogs, a empty sky to contain my empty thoughts. I like my ‘Merrell’ clogs no lacing, as I am barely capable of dealing with shoe laces. I will go back to try to sleep the rest of the night. Maybe I will awake to sunlight. It is daylight saving time. We must have stored it somewhere, or else why were we saving it?
March 16th 9:00 AM
Trying to keep up on financial needs, switched utility to autopay, going to find bill to cancel cell phone — I know my visits comfort my mother, but they do depress me. I have managed to forget which day it is, I am taking a day to stay at home. I feel bad about staying home; I am Mom’s only contact now that she is in Monmouth.
March 16th 2:00 PM
Alan dropped by this afternoon and sat with Mom
March 17th St Patrick’s Day 2:58 PM
Sitting in Mom’s room after working on security install in Smithshire it is hot in here. Mom is sitting up in recliner and looks better. Physical therapist was here when I came. Mom is tracking to right better. Nurse is going to get laminated Yes and No cards. I would say there has been some improvement. She wears out easily and then not able to respond well. Mom ends all failed dialogs with either “I don’t know” or “well anyway” — will praise small steps to better.
I asked Erik why he scheduled St Patrick’s Day he ought to know I’ll be drunk as a skunk on green beer — he didn’t think so
Friday March 18th 9:22 PM
I did not go to see Mom today. We had Luke now two months old. He has some digestive problems and goes from happy baby to crying baby quickly. He is growing and mostly healthy, but has some issues some of which he will grow out of. He has congestion possibly from allergy or other cause of acid re-flux — unsure at this time. I call him short snort because of his breathing. Erik came with James and then took both boys home. By evening I wasn’t going over, I will tomorrow. We have a wedding to attend in the afternoon. Social engagements I am unused to them and probably unfit. I will take the advice of Aaron Burr — smile more talk less.
Saturday March 19th 12:30 PM
Alex is in Monmouth today. He said Gertrude recognized him. He can understand every third or fourth word. It is good that he is there. He will try to play hymns or talk to her.
Alex said she was pretty clear saying, “I’m doing alright.”
March 20th 2:08 PM
I got up late and took a nap before noon. A day without much accomplishment. Nancy went to see Mom in Monmouth this afternoon. I washed a few clothes. I am trying to catch up with the everyday duties of life. I am getting a handle on some of Gertrude’s affairs, but I have much left to do. I will report on Nancy’s interactions with Gertrude. I wish James could go and Mom could see him. I found only one photo of Dad in her wallet. She only had two photos one of Erik from a school photo when he was in junior high or early high school. This one was taken after they had been to the wedding of a friend. I have captured the image on my phone.
Mom was uncomfortable and hot. The heat control is not individually regulated. They opened a window. Nancy got help to change her; she put on one of the Mom’s polo shirts. Lynne Jensen adapted Mom’s shirt by opening the back and and adding cloth ties to hold it in place. Nancy is on her way home, must have left about 5 PM
March 23 Update on Yesterday
I awoke from a dream this morning. I was in the Smithshire church. I was filling the pulpit and speaking to our tiny yet precious congregation. I remember reading the scripture and trying then to state the book, chapter, and verse. When I looked it was listed as a portion of dialogs and discussions Jesus had with his followers. I had told them lay-servant classes instructed to always notate the translation and reference where it was found. I rather apologetically went on telling them the translation which was all I saw listed. I began my message which was an update on my Mom, and my feeling of faith during this life pitfall. I had ignored the printed order of service to give message and update first. I turned to pick up the bulletin in attempt to get back on track. When I turned around many people had come into the church enough to outnumber the congregation. They were people of the larger church people I recognized from all over our conference. I told the congregation these people have traveled many miles to support us. Some of them acknowledged by nodding. The new group assisted by some from Smithshire were preparing to serve communion. I awoke. I had awoken and gone back to sleep during the morning previously. I realized it was time to get going and acknowledge the love and support we have all felt from so many people.
My wife’s best friend Ellen had used the service of a consultant when her ninety-nine-year-old father went in a nursing home. She was in Ohio, and he was in California. Ellen had searched and found a woman who did consulting in Brimfield. She and Nancy both went to Monmouth yesterday. They reviewed Mom’s care. We are still learning what the appropriate clothing for Mom is. The consultant decided it is possible Mom broke her hip when she fell from the stroke. She winced when the consultant nurse touched her hip. She recommended an x-ray and I believe Nancy said a Doppler, but I don’t know. Maybe Nancy was talking about the next thunderstorm or snow. Many care issues and all of them force me to realize how little control I have. I cannot be there all the time, and I don’t even know what is best to do when I am.
I can interact with Mom if not fully communicate. I heard her say hospital. I took it as a question. I told her she was in in Monmouth at the Monmouth Nursing home on H Street. She seemed to acknowledge that. I asked, “didn’t Bob Brent live over here?” She said yeah, and then tried to tell me more or explain where. After the yeah it was all indistinguishable. When I see small improvement in communication, I feel hope. She doesn’t remember new information. When I learn of the care challenges I am let down, not fully depressed.
OSF sent a customer satisfaction survey in email. I would like to relate the lack of coordination. The imperfect communication between hospital departments. How there was never a full discussion of the costs and benefits of treatments. Also, how decisions impact future placements and other choices which seem to be ignored. I was left feeling I was driving seventy on perfectly clear highway. Now I was on ice still going seventy trying not to make a bobble.
I suspect it will be a Stephen Colbert survey from his Comedy Central show. I will be given a multiple choice was W Bush a great president or the greatest president. I will open it and be honest. I am not trying to whine or express anger at anyone. I do suspect it will be more like the surveys one receives from their congressman eager for your input, but not in actuality. Mom’s daffodils have bloomed, and I took a photo. She had a positive reaction to seeing it.
March 24th 5:35 PM
Mom does not have a broken hip. She is feeling pain on the right side, possibly trauma from the fall. Doppler is to determine blood clots I have learned. It is colder maybe snow fall still a possibility. I will go to Smithshire with Erik tomorrow, he has day off. I have not been since Monday. Nancy and her sister Lynne are busy trying to find appropriate clothes that are adapted or Lynne is adapting for stroke patients.
I am done with colonoscopy. I had four smaller polyps which for me is a good omen. I will not upload photo of polyp. They sent them just like a baby ultrasound.
March 25th 8:05 PM
Alan was in this week; he has become a laundry service. At least he is the delivery driver. Erik went to see Mom today while I sorted through papers. I also watched Reggie dog. We didn’t want Reggie to miss out on his timber walks. He is not a comfort dog. Erik is good with his dog and his grandmother. One of the things I found was the photo of two small boys. I knew it was one of Mom’s favorites, her two small boys. One of the few done by a photographer. I have vague memories of going to some place in Monmouth a rare night trip (at least it was dark). A hand held toy to help us get the right look. I had to let Alan hold it, because I was the big brother. Alan was blonde then, I am a platinum blonde now.
Sue Edwards thought Mom looked better this week. Sometimes she does, then at other times she seems very weak. One good thing my parents always tried to plan for future events, even the bad ones. I am left with many preparations for this type of life event. I am also left with an unbelievable number books and papers. I found the church membership directory today. I was not looking for it. Erik commented after sorting through papers on the dining room table. Grandma liked to write many random notes on completely random pieces of paper. Yes very true, at least she had good penmanship.
—-
Mom would not come to our delayed Christmas because she was having furnace issues and wanted to be there if it went out. I brought her presents even further delayed —
March 26th 4:55 AM
Praying for Today
I am now creating a new normal. I must do what I am least capable of, plan and schedule. Today is one month after Mom’s stroke. I have new obligations and new challenges to fit into the puzzle. James is rather good at puzzles I should possibly enlist his aid. James would suggest many activities, but Daniel Tiger, Birds of the Amazon, and ‘more swing’ would leave a lot undone. Mom was independent and took care of herself, very independent and self reliant. Now, she is completely dependent on others. I started to write what this month has taught me about prayer and the nature of miracles. It was getting rather dense for an update. The miracle is the life Mom has led. The love and care of her family which extends to her community and church.
We are limited beings and our prayers lack complete understanding. Acceptance, assurance, and faith are qualities my mother possessed and shared with others. Her life and the spiritual connections we share are the miracle. I must accept that I have limits and little control over the world. I will continue making balanced choices in a loving manner. I am assured and have faith to trust more in God less in me. A little miracle I learned from my mother.
March 29th 5:11 AM
I shouldn’t be up but why not. I’ve been awake for an hour. This is the week I wanted to try to create a routine. It is going smashingly. Not in the BBC hip hooray of a Gilded Age melodrama, No smashingly, spoken with a certain intonation of irony. I am either stuck in the March mud or have jarringly hit a wall. I am a man with nothing to do who has found way too much to do. Unfortunately, updates on Mom are about the same. What is depressing is there is nothing I can do about changing anything for her. It will be slow, and I cannot find a perfect solution. I must respect we are all trying.
Erik visited her yesterday after our re-registering cameras at Mom’s house. He and Reggie (his dog) walked in timber while I was at the house. Our original plan: he would visit Mom, Reggie and I would hang out in Smithshire, Erik would return take Reggie, go home to pick up James who was having a wonderful day with Nancy, then reunite at his home with Laura and Luke. We call Luke, Baby Luke, I am sure he will not want this appellation forever. I therefore call him short snort which I am sure will please him, at least he isn’t complaining about it now. We had to alter the schedule. Re-registering cameras took forever. They are working but the process isn’t finished, I am told.
A good portion of the trouble began with Erik’s phone. We had it all working but the billing was screwed up because he has a VPN on his phone. One might suspect he is a Belarusian. It caused the wonders of Internet commerce to believe he was a Canadian. The only resolution was to delete the account and start over. Deleting the account requires some anonymous person sitting in a distant temple in Tibet to click their mouse. Tibet is a distance and it took awhile. Crusty old prospectors with pack mules travel faster. It took time for the first account to be deleted and the third camera activated. Activating a camera is its own mystery. It requires following instructions, pointing camera at QR code, hearing chime, then offering ceremonial smoke and incantations as the gods, gatekeepers of IPs, networks, hubs, and servers judge your worthiness. It took several offerings before the saint of the hopeless souls logic-ed to on. I had to take Reggie home, pick up James then deliver both to Princeville. Both were returned in working order. Erik after seeing Mom went directly home. I did get to hold and try to amuse short snort before I went to my house. So it is with the Days of our Lives — which I’ve discovered is still a show.
Mom watched channel 6 during the day mostly, I thought it might help to have the familiar voices of Eric Maitland and Paula Sands in the background. Shocking to me, an old person, soap operas are very sexual orientation diverse now. While our renegade Methodists may run screaming about a gay agenda, I think it is simple reality. Renegade Methodists are creating a magic bubble to delude themselves. They are bent on excluding the bad folk, not true children of God, but hey they love everyone don’t call them bigots. Yes, if only we could return to the 1950’s a time when there were no Gay people, Black people, Hispanic people, Asian people, Indigenous people, at least not on soap operas. Things I learn putting on network TV. I need to go back to my books, bible, and meditations. Funny thing about the gay agenda, not important to Jesus. But I suppose to conclude, Jesus said to be open to everyone is sermonizing. Although the story of Jesus saying do not hinder the children – I believe should be viewed as we are all Children of God. Don’t mind me I just sat in the pews listening to sermons about Jesus and unconditional love all my life. I am sure I am prejudiced that way.
To conclude in the sense of Stop It, as James likes to say now when people sing, then he laughs. I am depressed. Many people know the stress of dealing with a long term struggle. It is tiring and wears one down. I think my tension is between feeling I have few choices, but it is my responsibility to choose. I have great compassion for all caregivers and the people who they care for, it is a daily struggle. Now I am up when I should be asleep. Ready to go back to bed when everyone is getting going. I may have to take one more day to find a routine. There are many mundane things I must do, then as order is restored to schedules I can find a routine. I must find acceptance to seek the best path, acknowledging the reality my mother is now living. We who care and knew her are all living. I pray for all of you because I can’t relate how she is almost herself. Her self still resides in her body as she reacts to people she knows, but Mom is not herself. I am not quite back to who I have always been either. One more day to catch up on the mundane things most pressing and then back to schedule. Once the ‘have to’ things are done then I will see where life will lead.
March 29th 3:02 PM
Medical update Mom does have blood clot it is in a vein of her leg. It is not completely blocking blood flow. She has other medical issues, therefore decisions need to be balanced, blood thinner, blood pressure and heart rate all currently being medicated. Mike Saeger came by today, she is always glad to see him.
March 30th 11:11 AM
All nighters are not fun — I know nurses do it all the time.
Good morning I have not been awake a long time. Lazing around in bed half the day, much easier to do when out until 5 AM. Last night around eight pm the nursing home called. Mom’s blood pressure was very low and she was clammy. Should they transfer her to the ER? I said, yes. I began informing people and packing my day pack. This gift was supposed to make day hikes more convenient, but has become my purse.
Mom had a UTI — I am really getting into acronyms POA DNR Afib — I just nod and decide I will read it and Google it later. Mom’s blood pressure was low but responded to treatment. Her heart rate fluctuates up to 140 or 150 and then quickly back down to 120 or lower. She was transferred to the ICU at St Mary’s in Galesburg. We were low on the transfer protocol and waited in ER until 3:30 AM. Behind wreck-less automobile driver with passengers, and then vehicular deer homicide driver, our transfer was the last of a busy night for the ambulance crew. I hope the medications can be determined and keep her heart, lungs, and various body functions smooth. When I walked into the ER she looked at me and said,”Why are you here?” It was very clear and understandable.
We left the hospital in Galesburg and got home after 5 AM. Such hours are not meant for an old man like me. I immediately went to sleep. Erik came this morning Galesburg is closer for him. Mom looked at him and said, “Have you eaten?” She is concerned her grandson might starve. I had to consider as I drove to Monmouth, what if the blood clot broke loose? What if my decision when I get there is about life saving measures? What is the best answer? Life and death are real. What is a best life and what about dying. Mom looked better than a few weeks ago, speech is slightly improving. No one especially in an OSF hospital is going help you die. Unless you are a mother and the life of a fetus is at stake. (As the rhetoric in the nation gets more extreme my snark is closer to the surface of my keyboard.) Maybe we are headed to a place where Mom can enjoy visits by great-grandchildren and maybe we are not.
I think she will march towards a return to slow recovery. Possibly medications will be in balance as well as nutrition. It is difficult when she looks at me with the look of this is not a great thing. What can you do?
Well I sang softly, hymns from memory. I believe it made me feel better; she had to lie there and endure it.
I had a dream soon after leaving OSF Peoria. I was on hospital floor and they came to me and said you’re the POA for this floor. Any DNR determination will be yours tonight. A Clint Eastwood cranky old man type came up and said I don’t want to be a vegetable. If I am not out of this operation, you pull the plug. He left and someone beside me said “you’re going to kill Clint Eastwood” No one wants to kill Clint Eastwood. I bet he will be one mean and ornery ghost. I woke up — Mom was getting excellent care last night — I slept like a hibernating bear. Possibly I am still hibernating. Will update later today.
March 31st 9:11 AM
Possibly I should use tagline later today, or tomorrow, at least sometime. Time can slip away.
Mom is closer to actual speech. I was very depressed last week. I have some hope now. Her care is a concern. She is so helpless; I know how depressing that is for her. During our repeated and continuing debates over moving her washer and dryer I would suggest, we will just have to get someone to do your laundry. You shouldn’t be carrying it up and down the basement stairs. Her response was quick and firm she would do her own laundry, she would not have someone else washing her clothes. I need to recognize how devastating for her this is. I am sure it is some of what she is struggling to communicate to me — Her vitals: heart rate, blood pressure are staying in control. Mom will leave ICU for another room today.
She is not processing new information. Gertrude does not seem to answer questions. Recognizing left and right she seems not to be sure. Yet, she responds to memories and can interact with people she knows. I asked Alan if he remembered our great-grandmother’s house? I know I was alive when Glen and Helen lived in Ellison, but I don’t remember ever being there. Mom and Dad lived west of Smithshire on the farm I knew as Harold Heller’s place. I don’t remember living any other place but the farm south and east of Smithshire. About Grandmother Brent’s house Alan said he remembered there was a back stairway to the kitchen. I asked did he remember the woodpecker toothpick holder? He did. I told Mom later that Alan remembered her grandmother’s tooth pick holder. She got a big smile, it was a pleasant memory for her. Mom’s speech is improving, but when asked questions she struggles to respond. Even though she remembered the woodpecker novelty; she had forgotten Erik was there yesterday morning and stayed until noon.
I will stay in Galesburg until Mom changes rooms. My hope rests in my observation of Mom’s small progress – I also feel the swell of support in all the prayers and acts of care. Alan had fond memories of a santa claus ornament; we had three santa ornaments on our tree when kids. This one had come from her grandmother. It seemed as ancient as Moses to us. Alan asked for it because it held memories for him. Mom gave it to him to let those childhood days in our ramshackle house return at Christmas for him.
April 2nd 10:41 AM
I am in Smithshire. I knew the tax returns were being mailed, and I wanted to be here to get her mail. They will not fit in Mom’s post office box. On Saturday hours are from 7:30 to 8:30 but I got my sluggish butt out of bed and made it over here. I needed to sign a form for the post office; it was good that I made it. County Line Diner does a booming Saturday morning breakfast crowd. It made the early trip all worthwhile. I must add for a coffee snob, like myself, the coffee was rather good. They do the ‘Farmers Breakfast’ well.
Yesterday was an important day in Mom’s care. We sat with our nurse consultant and the doctor who was seeing Mom for the first time. He was exceptional. We should be returning to Monmouth Nursing Home on Monday or Tuesday. They are trying to get the right balance on medications. She also was dehydrated and they may add water to nutrition instructions. They think infection will be under control by end of weekend. The doctor is trying to add thickened water, pureed food, and pudding mostly for comfort. She soon tired of eating but told them to leave the chocolate pudding. Mom’s words were much better yesterday. I wasn’t sure of the story she was telling me, but her words were understandable. The doctor suggested we bring and ask her about things from normal life. Ask about the power bill, discuss her tax return with her, and continue to sing to her. Nurses overheard her softly singing along with a Christian song playing in her room. Everyone seems agreed I should continue to sing hymns to her. I will, until Mom says stop it, stop it now.
Reality is we are frail vessels. We are all as we have always been until an event like this. Our family is fortunate my mother somewhat planned for this type of event. We are praying for some minor recoveries as we move along. I have to balance her quality of life as we navigate this phase of her life. Being immobile, incontinent, and unable to be understood is not a life anyone wants. I know Mom didn’t either. What’s a miracle? If we can converse with Mom, even if she forgets we were there a few hours later. If she could recover enough for a wheelchair. We could then get her to a family event or simply to see her house again. She has great grandbabies to smile at. Those modest steps, modest as seen through the eyes of a healthy person, would be a miracle. Miracle beyond hope a return to her home with twenty-four hour home healthcare. I can’t expect that, but I won’t deny that sometimes there are miracles.
Mom has had a good and full life. She will have her 94th birthday on April 14th. She was born and lived in the Coldbrook Church-Gerlaw area, but since 1931 has lived in Ellison, on the farm outside of Ellison and Smithshire, or in Smithshire. Yes coming back once again would be a miracle. Odd a place many dismiss as the last place on Earth anyone would want to go is her highest desire. I am open to hope and God’s will. It is nice to hear her natural voice return, even if I don’t know what she is talking about.
In spite of the snow, cold wet rain, and frost her daffodils made it to full bloom, slightly bent.
April 3rd 7:38 PM
Nancy went to hospital this morning before 8 AM. She came home about noon. The people with comfort dogs were there this morning. Mom enjoyed the dogs. Later she told Nancy, ‘this is awful’ Nancy agreed it was awful. Encouraged her we were trying to get better. Swallowing food is not there yet. Speech therapist or family will have to keep trying very slowly and deliberately. Mom will likely be moved back to Monmouth nursing home tomorrow.
I went back to church today and led hymns. I did okay. The last time I tried it was too emotional. Singing Mom’s beloved hymns, captured me and broke my voice. I left and haven’t tried it again until today. It is time to drop the curtain on the welling of emotion and be normal tinged with some emotion. James is here for the night he is total joy. Nancy negotiated with him to use the potty. I have been promised to make a butterscotch pie for him. I guess I will have to make good on her promise now. Last week my goal was return to a routine making life more normal. Last week was not routine nor did it become normal. Moving forward with gratitude for all that has been so good, still seeking normal.
April 5th 9:09 PM
Planning has been difficult. I thought Mom would be moved to Monmouth Nursing Home today, but it will be tomorrow. She has been able to eat some thick liquids, puddings without choking. I did not see Mom today, I was waiting to go to Monmouth. It was a let down day for me. As I let down, somewhat tired. Once I was called in middle of the afternoon about transport to be on Wednesday I realized most of my planning had been undone. I am more mentally tired, physical activity would be an improvement. I do have Reggie dog staying overnight again. Reggie loves 4 AM walks. They throw my whole body clock off, but it is a calm beautiful time of day. Until tomorrow —
April 7th 8:00 AM
I am going to gym today first since, maybe the olden days. I will then go to Monmouth. Mom was transferred on Wednesday. She seemed brighter. Medications were changed and infection cleared up. I will write fuller update later when I am in her room this afternoon.
April 12th 8:11 AM
Grateful Mom does recognize people and I get greeted with a smile. She has ability to understand in the moment. You are in Monmouth; Easter is Sunday. It will be April 17th. The 16th is your father’s birth date and Nancy & I will have an anniversary. Thursday April 14th is your birthday. Gertrude acknowledged her birthday with almost same attitude as before stroke.Yes but not important don’t make a big deal of it. At Mom’s house photos of Erik and Laura when announcing engagement — 2015
April 18th 5:31 PM
This is ridiculous
I haven’t updated the blog for a while. I intended to during Mom’s birthday or after on the weekend. It is now Monday; this is how it often happens.
Mom looked at me and said ‘this is ridiculous’ when I came in and sat down the other day. It is, it is ridiculous.
I experience many moments when I realize I would have called Mom and told her about something. Realizing I cannot. I can now interact with Mom, but she does not retain the memory. Life’s moments can slip away. Looking back is never a good way to live. Here we are.
Gertrude is better. Better is measured from where she was after the stroke. Not better as in being her old self. More of her words are understandable. Mom turned 94 on Thursday April 14. All my immediate family came to her room on Friday. Erik, Laura, James, and Luke) Alex, Joni, and her Mom Mary) Nancy and I) Mom really loved seeing James and Luke. She was glad everyone was there. Somehow worried that Erik and Laura should probably leave before it got late and require driving after dark. It was noon.
We then went to Smithshire to allow James to take a nap. We all had a nice visit in Gertrude’s house. James played with the toys Mom always kept in the closet. She had a set of left behind toys to pull out in case a child happened to come for a visit. James knows where they are. It was all normal-like. Like normal but all wrong. Mom lived a healthy ninety-three years of independence focused on what was important to her. I knew sitting there on Friday, I should be filled with gratitude.
Her brain seems not to process memory threads. She interacts in the moment but retains no memory because her brain doesn’t create the memory. I usually repeat these things: you had a stroke, you are in Monmouth, you are getting better, it was a severe stroke, it is whatever day it is. When I told her it was April 15th and she had been in the hospital or here for seven weeks, she said ‘seven weeks, I didn’t know, no one told me.’ She asked Nancy how long she would be here when they answered at least two to three months, she said ‘oh no.’ I encourage her to concentrate on getting well. She has some dialogs filled with either admonishment or warnings for me. She is unclear in complex sentences. Her words often lack any references that we understand. I am sure Mom has concerns about all the things she has always worried about. She likely thinks I need a haircut.
Nancy and I celebrated our thirty-ninth wedding anniversary on Saturday. Easter was Sunday. After church we went to Erik and Laura’s house and had dinner. James spent the night at our house. I am now doing things I intended to do this weekend. I never feel caught up. Fewer naps might help with accomplishment, but I sit down in comfortable chair and boom just like that I am asleep.
I have kept up with all the life details for Mom. Her taxes were completed. She understands when I tell her. Although it doesn’t sound exactly right to her when I say she shouldn’t worry. She doesn’t buy my assurance not to worry.
We must accept the ridiculousness. We are fortunate; we have many resources to meet her needs and much love and prayer. The love and prayer of many lift us. I have begun to return to the gym. I am trying to plan each week with time in Monmouth and time to do my own life. I suppose someone may suggest I will need to implement some organizational and time management skills. Now that is ridiculous.
Despair to Hope April 22 8:07 PM
Often, I bumble into misguided well intentions. I thought thank you notes to Mom’s caregivers would be nice. I bought a pack of thank you cards. I wrote a small note and printed it in a table. I had to cut out the notes. This once again reinforced the fact there is no crafting ability being inherited from me. Sorry grandkids. I thought thank yous a little bit of an empty gesture with inflating gas prices and other items. I added some money in each one. I cannot give away Mom’s money; I drew cash out of my own account.
Cash is a commodity I rarely have. Most of the cash I have had over the past couple of years came from Mom. I would buy grocery items especially during Covid and she would pay me back in cash. I tried to never have a ticket for her. I was gifting her items not as available in her local stores. I would buy her things I knew she liked. Items she wouldn’t buy herself. The cut-up fruit she loved, she thought was too expensive. Mom dearly loved HyVee chicken tortilla soup. She appreciated the chicken salad and things that were good yet easy. Mom cooked things but cooking for one is a difficult transition. The chili recipe in her handwritten cookbook is for fifty. A recipe used for church suppers. (She made a cookbook for her family a few years ago.) In our family we do love food especially good food cooked well. Mom was used to people coming who ate, not people who minced around their food.
A wonderful worker who likes Mom came to feed her at noon. Mom ate some food seemingly doing very well with swallowing. The worker had one grandchild and two on the way. We talked grandkids and Mom was a part of the conversation. She asked about Mom’s family and commented on the lack of girls. None in fact. Having many teenage boys around creates recipes with quantity. The noon feeding more for practice and comfort made me feel hopeful.
In the morning when I first came in, I was filled with sadness. I couldn’t change Mom’s situation. No one wants to be so dependent on the care of others. Her care needs are beyond what I could accomplish without skilled care. I didn’t feel I had much control. I could tell from the bustle and hurried actions it was a busy morning. There are now some Covid cases which puts a strain on everyone. It was a good time with Mom before I left.
I do not know who most of the direct care staff are. Getting back to my bumbling attempt at appreciation. They cannot give the workers cash gifts – rules. I came back and took apart my cards which is why I actually have cash in my wallet now. Nancy of course observed this even though I tried to avoid being noticed. She said of course you can’t give money in cards. There are rules. Nancy is much more versed in facility rules. I wish the people working so hard could have had a small boost for lunch or gas to extend the week. I will try another approach. I suppose I will have to consult my wife. I rarely do consult Nancy before bumbling into something, but I might try a different approach. It would take away her moments of satisfaction in pointing out I should have known better.
April 23 8:40 PM
Erik went to Smithshire and to Monmouth to see Mom. Her words are better. She asked Erik to help move her from chair to bed I think. He said he couldn’t do it, but she said you’re strong enough. She has more awareness of her situation and what is happening. In the future I expect there will be more complaints now that I am able to understand.
April 25 11:25 AM
I have had a call from Monmouth Nursing Home. Mom has tested positive for Covid. The Covid outbreak at the facility has thrown care into a hectic state. Mom is in an isolation area and can not have visitors. Mom has had the Pfizer vaccine and a booster. She was making some gains hope this does not set her back. I do not know how long she will be isolated and denied the visage of my smiling face even behind a mask.
April 29 4:14 AM
Catching Covid
Good morning an update some great things to report. Covid not one of them.
Yes, it is four in the morning, and I am up. My proven, tried and true, method of fighting illness is hibernation. Unfortunately, as the illness is being controlled my sleep pattern is now awry. Also, I cannot go out to sit in couch or recliner which would be a strong sedative to go back to sleep. I hope we can mark the day with moving past the covid. My mother seems to be surviving. I can only get reports. I do not know the length of time before I can visit again. Mom needs to get back in her room first. I hope Nancy wakes up still feeling well or at least normal. Nancy is not the world’s best sleeper; her own soft snores wake her up. If she has another negative test, there will be hope she has avoided a covid infection. Less guilt for her in-house disease bucket.
Mom has been eating well with normal feeding. She has gained weight and they asked to reduce the tube feedings. Another sign of improvement if not for this covid outbreak. I asked about her progress with covid and was told she has a cough but not other symptoms. Erik visited her last Saturday. He has not shown any evidence of catching covid either. He had covid before vaccines and has had all the vaccinations. He is experienced at avoiding the delivery vehicles of biological warfare, students. If our family is still improving after this weekend, then this covid episode should be moving to the past. It has cancelled Luke’s baptism and my message at church. I tried to insist they go ahead as planned with baptism, but it is postponed to Mother’s Day.
I visited Mom on Friday a week ago. I wore a mask but took it off in her room. It is possible she was contagious then, but still testing negative. I wore it, if people came into room, but I have heard this new variant is a sneaky varmint. I seemed fine until Monday evening. Monday is our James day, and everyone was here on Sunday for an Easter gathering. James and Luke are also disrupted. Because of close contact they are not at daycare and preschool this week. Another reason our society should look at care and medical attention more holistically. One loose cannon, me, and the whole domino set is tumbling away.
I knew I had a scratchy throat Monday evening. I hoped it would go away. We kept Reggie and he and I took a walk at four. This early AM stuff is becoming too much of a habit. Walks with Reggie are spectacular in the dark. On clear cold mornings the stars dazzle, no other dogs or walkers are out, and no one sees me in my embarrassing to my family hat. Reggie enjoys his peanut butter toast at any time we return. I also got a glimpse of the Milky Way. Made me realize if I was living back in my old haunts, it would be more than a glimpse. I went back to bed, but still felt, not right. I am often perceived as being not right, but I don’t let that affect my feelings. When I got up, I cancelled my gym appointment. With covid exposure I knew I shouldn’t just shake it off, as I would normally tell myself. I tested negative.
Wednesday still not feeling right, but mostly just snuffily. I tested positive. We went into, ‘oh I should been more careful with mask at home’ and being moved to the covid cave. I have both vaccinations and a booster. I am taking paxlovid. Three pills in morning and again at night. They are fairly large pills some are pink. The white ones would choke a horse. I think the conspiracists will say just repackaged ivermectin. The conspiracy theorists would have likely moved on to a new outlandish theory. I am better than a couple of days ago. I had one cup of coffee left in the thermos and carrots. Nancy has been kind with food and snacks. Unfortunately, I ate the little package of ritz crackers with the yogurt and string cheese during the day. I will stay in isolation. If tomorrow Nancy is still safe from signs of covid, I might slip out of the covid cave. Only to make peanut butter toast while she was safely sleeping in the bedroom. Carrots do not melt into a delicious gooey mess like peanut butter toast.
April 29th 8:17 AM
Our family is not sailing away from Covid Island — Erik has tested positive and Nancy although testing negative is not feeling so good herself — One the world’s greatest titles from Lewis Grizzard “Elvis is Dead and I Don’t Feel so Good Myself”
April 30th 5:23 AM
Yes up early again, but I went to bed before 9. I slept all night have not had a tylenol in over 24 hours. I am doing well. I hope to have a negative test this morning. This would be a positive thing for me. Nancy says this is required. Erik has tested positive and is suffering cold flue effects. Nancy has not tested positive; her body is still resisting. Hopefully a good night’s sleep will aid her fight. I wish I could report on Mom my ability to check is limited. My recommendation would be not to visit the nursing home. Mom was possibly contagios before testing positive. Erik and I were both cautious, but not when alone with Mom. Paxlovid may help. I know it is not small is to swallow capsules.
I now have a week’s worth of mail to pick up in Smithshire. I have to make sure I have found anything important then transfer a ton of material to recycle. I am grateful. I feel decent, a little tired. I have had your prayers. I have a diligent, informed, prepared wife on par with any infectious disease specialist. A wonderful caring network of friends and family. In this ongoing journey I am treating Covid week like ‘Shark Week’ something best ignored. Moving on as they say.
Nancy did have a positive test this morning. She is coping. Covid may be staying through the weekend, but we are not making a ‘Sharknado’
I just thought
A Gertrude update has been lagging — first she had Covid and then I did – followed by Nancy and Erik
Erik packed to Smithshire with his dog Reggie. His family did not catch it. Reggie thought it was wonderful soaking in all the attention and frequent walks in the woods. Everyone in the family is vaccinated and boosted except James and Luke of course. Nancy and I took Paxlovid and did recover in less than a week. This was our way to celebrate the end of April.
I have begun this post in Mom’s room, as she has fallen asleep. Mom still has a cough that persists and is hanging on from covid. Her covid infection and isolation has set her back. Her memory of people or things I mention is less sharp. Her words have improved but often they are not related to an actual interaction. After I stare blankly long enough because I have long lost track of what she trying to tell me. She will say “I just thought” followed by “Oh, I don’t know”
She has trouble processing and answering questions. She always knows me, but if someone asks her who I am, or what’s my name, she seems unable to process an answer. It seems if you can engage her with a photo of a grandkid or talk to her about someone she responds. When I tell her she is in Monmouth, it is always a surprise to her. We then can discuss where she is and when she had a stroke. She knows Monmouth and telling her the street address registers.
She will often drift off into a long dialog or lecture. I have no idea what the story is. It may be a past memory or something she wants to still worry about. ? — Occasionally, she will ask me something, and I will realize she was trying solve how I will get home. I remind her Erik and I came together. He was in Smithshire and would come to get me. Mom said OK. Later we answered the same concern. Once, again I said Erik was coming and it was OK, again. We are trying to find where we are, and where we are going. Covid disrupted the feeding by mouth, I think affected her recall.
Therefore somewhat starting over — A photo from May 22
Will update again —
May 26th 11:21 AM
Today we are discussing hospice. I have poorly learned many things over the past few months. One is I don’t even know what hospice is.
I have reflected on lives, the treasure of memories they hold and inevitable change. Seeing the innocent faces of the dead in Uvalde TX is numbing. My struggles grow small in comparison.
A Generation’s Page has Turned
My mom didn’t die, but she did suffer a stroke devastating enough to end her normal life. In many ways it was a death. A lingering twilight, a half-life until actual death kicks in. It is depressing for me, and I am sure a daily torture for my mother. She was independent took care of herself. We are caught in a buffalo waller. Stuck on the road of life, a life that has been wonderful. No one can say my mom had a bad life or that I am not blessed in so many ways. I had wonderful parents. My farm life of adventure, exploring, learning, and eventually useful work, (on occasion) was a good one. I have nothing to lament. I cannot be sure my decisions are the best course of action. If I were to honestly review my life, it is always this way. I try not to review my life. I remember far more things than I should. If only life had pause, instant replay, and a restart option as a virtual reality game. Also cheat codes why are there no cheat codes in real life?
I attended a memorial service for a woman the same age as my mother. She was a friend and a relative. Many of the same people in her generation have also passed on. Once a month Mom had started gathering with her cousins, second and first once removed were also invited. They did this until the covid era. Many have died over the past few months. What was just a normal lunch with extended family is an event lost to time now. My mother had been so active, I guess spry is the word for a ninety-year-old woman still climbing stairs on her own. Two of my second cousins did an excellent job with a eulogy remembering and celebrating their mother. I felt as though I was attending my own mother’s funeral, they shared many common friends and experiences. I could see the page in an old book being turned. Every person is a special collections room in a library. The memories and stories are an archive when they die the room is closed with only a handful of the artifacts left intact. No matter how much one tries to record, save, or listen when a person passes the book is not simply closed it has been burnt. I saw a meme. I’m a person who is still mourning the loss of the great library of Alexandria. I also hang on to history, but I remind myself we live in an impermanent world. I do not put my faith in things that are passing. I also cannot worry about material things, most can be replaced. A few items hold a special history and I try to preserve them.
Personally, I have begun to step into the final stage of my life. A time when another page in the book of generations will be turned. I pray I can still improve the world. I want to pass on a healthy planet to my children and grandchildren. I hope I allow them to appreciate the history and sacrifice of those who preceded them. Mostly I hope they respect and love themselves. It is the first step in loving others and in doing some good in this world. As the Depression Kids pass away, we lose a tough earned wisdom. I try to honor and respect them. Our world is chaotic, but fulfillment is possible. We need to pause. We need to step back from our pursuits. We need to uphold the cares of others as equally important to ourselves. We live lives of waste. Efficiency could solve the useless to and fro of our society. Many of our modern ills could be improved by efficiency. We lack the ability or the intelligence to plan our society in a way to flourish. We prefer to wallow in suffering and schadenfreude. Our demands on ourselves should be quiet and gentle, then we will see others with the eyes of God.
143 Days
This will be the final post on the stroke blog. My mother died on July 19, 2022. People have been overwhelmingly kind, and I am overwhelmed with the expressions of sympathy. I cannot be shocked by her death. I am not in any deeper grief than I have been for the last one hundred forty-three days. I let Excel calculate the date math for me. The covid incident in April brought about small changes in my Mother, for the worse. I, my wife, and son also caught it. Gertrude did recover but it seemed she began to recede in her present moments. Sometimes you could engage her in news about grandkids or a memory, but these became fewer and more difficult to initiate. She was very much trying to tell me something, but it was never an understandable conversation. When she did realize where she was and her condition, she thought it was awful. She never remembered for very long; she was not able to process new memories.
Visiting my Mom was depressing, and I knew she wouldn’t even remember I had been there. She knew when I was there, she knew who I was. She couldn’t form the words when asked, but she knew. Because she could not form the words, I have no idea what she was so insistent on telling me after her stroke. I had talked with my Mom when not in person twice daily for a long time; I have a deep understanding of what she felt I should know. Nancy once said I have trouble anticipating your mother’s reactions, what she will approve of or what she won’t. I said, I can tell you what my mother’s opinion of a new thing will be, but I cannot tell you why. Tim Edwards had good insights after listening to my Mom’s discussion on changes at the church. He said, if the change is going be like the way they did things several decades ago, she’s in favor of it. Gertrude didn’t want change, unfortunately no matter how loud one screams at the thunderstorm it still rains. Gertrude had learned old ethical and moral values and she maintained them all her life. Many lessons of hers should be more present in our times, not all. My mother never learned it is impossible to hold back change, everyone must adapt. Mom didn’t change or adapt. If it didn’t fit her vision of how everyone or everything ought to be, she ignored it.
I sincerely thank, all the staff at the Monmouth Nursing home, hospice, and the caring people during this long journey. I know Mom would have been mortified she couldn’t care for herself. Considering a lifetime of health, almost ninety-four years of health, one hundred forty-three days is not that long. I brought up a map of the estimated walking time to Santa Barbara CA. Walking twelve hours a day it is about 54 days. We all know it would not be possible to walk twelve hours a day at a steady pace. There is a place called Death Valley on the path. Today’s high temperature is over 120 degrees, but it is a dry heat.
I have to feel Mom has been released. I have been released as well. There are no more dedicated servants in the world than my Mother has been. Her life was the best she had to offer. Everyone should celebrate life. Now, as we plan memorial services; it is time to celebrate my mother’s good life. I tried to make the best decisions, but I think I would rather have walked to California. I would cross Death Valley at night carrying lots of water. I am slightly lost. I feel I am crossing the desert on a horse with no name. I wouldn’t want a horse; they drink too much water. Plus, I would give him a name.
July 21 5:31 AM — Final Post on the Stroke Journey – thank you for the kindness I have been given by everyone.
Going to post some photos and link to funeral video. I came after taking Ellen (Nancy’s Friend) home in Ohio to Maysville KY. I stopped at a couple of Native American sites. I am back where I was when Mom’s stroke occurred. I pllanned on taking funeral video and editing it into segments. I was going to make a photo slide with musical background, but mostly I have slept. I did make a late night drive into Ohio arriving at 3 AM EDT. The one hour difference does seem confusing at first. Once I got to the roo here, I took an early evening nap. It has been like this the entire time. I watch TV I fall asleep. I read I fall asleep. I wonder around get something to eat and then I come and take a nap. I have recovered from cold after funeral and my time has been restful if not productive.
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